So I have had a pig of a week! mainly plagued by my over active and sporadic mind. I thought I would try and write down some of these thoughts in order to try and make some sense of them.
The main thing that has been bugging me is my role as an Army Chaplain, I really cannot get my head round it… at all…
What i mean is, i have felt called to this ministry for many years, i cannot really explain why, it has just been like a constant itch at the back of my mind that has never gone away, until the point that I thought i had better scratch it and see if this was really somewhere God wanted me to be. Having gone through the selection process and being accepted i realised that this was probably somewhere that God wanted me to be. But if i am totally honest i feel completely inadequate to do this job. Let me tell you why. First of all my DNA is that of being a missiologist, meaning that by my very nature i have always needed to know and understand a culture in order to then subvert it, ask the questions that need to asked so that people can begin to see God within the world in which they move. I believe that as a priest, evangelist, pastor, my role is to allow people to begin to see and understand God in their own context.
When it comes to the Army I have no idea! It is a different world and I am an Alien within it. I often wonder what it was that those who confirmed my calling into this ministry actually saw? When i look around me at the other Chaplains with in the department I don’t think that I am anything like them, I don’t say this with anything but the very highest respect for those who are serving in this way. But in my civilian life I am not a Vicar I am a pioneer minister and there is a very good reason for this but when it comes to the Army I am not sure how to utilise these gifts…..
Also with all of this I am not sure what it is a have to offer and what i have to say, in fact I am totally lost when it comes to the idea of War…. This bothers me greatly. I would love to be a pacifist but i don’t believe that I am. I do believe that action does have to be taken in some circumstances that at times we have to both posture and act in order to bring peace. But I also strongly believe that God has a lot to say and do when it comes to setting wrongs right. So what am I doing here? A good question to ask at every point in life i guess!
As I conclude this mumble with no real answers, I am again reminded by the scripture I found when asked the same question finding myself at Jesus School for the first time in 1999, again not really knowing what i was doing there!……
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Maybe it is in the waiting that i will know God’s will and call….